The last weeks ...

Towards the end of the “being pregnant” stage of life. This is likely to be my last which means in a way it’s truly the last few weeks of eating what I want (ok mom/husband pretend you did not read this), of baby kicks, of being round and proud of it. It’s end of a chapter and of course it will begin a new more challenging and hopefully a fulfilling one.

In a way I can't wait to meet the little angel, and at times I worry about all the things that I have still to do. With Kochunni I seemed to have been more prepared. This time around I have a ton of stuff that I just need to sort through, though a few things are pending - shopping for some more outfits, laundry, decorating the crib. It will be a busy week before the baby arrives as I take time off from work, but hopefully I can get some much needed rest as well.

On another front, Kochunni now sleeps on his very own bunk bed and though still prefers to calls either his Achan or I to bed when he wakes up at night, he is officially a big boy (Anti-Jinx). The arrival of the baby, the need for Amma to be at the hospital for a few days, setting his expectation that the baby will not immediately play with him but probably just sleep and cry for most of the day has been part of the last few conversations with Kochunni. Some library books about baby's arrival have become regular bed time reads. Now how much of the ideas have sunk in, only time will tell. Laugh if you might, but to keep the transition as smooth as possible, at a suggestion of friend, I also bought a couple of gifts for Kochunni that the 'baby' will give his big brother, when they meet! (ok its pathetic, I know!)

The wait is almost over, the meeting inevitable, by my next post Kochunni will be older brother, I will be a 2nd time mom and yet rest is still unwritten .....

Family

I am an only child. There I said it loud and clear. Now go on think back to all the readings you might have on this blog - do I sound selfish, bratty, aggressive, lonely, or even spoiled rotten? I can deny it, but you would want to talk to my mom or dad first, wouldn't you? I get it, it’s the bad reputation that we ‘only children’ have. But from my perceptive, family comes in all shapes and sizes. I recall the first time I saw the Pride and Prejudice I wondered quite extensively how cool it might be to be in a family of 5 sisters - the Bennet sisters seemed like the epitome of sisterly love and it wasn't until I actually read the book that the various layers of book made it clear, or I probably became less romantic. Did I get lonely during my childhood days - yes, there were those days. But I learned to entertain myself. Did I get completely pampered – no I don’t think so. Our house had the “majority rule” policy, so that for many decisions if mom and dad joined forces I had no way of getting away!

Now that I am having a second, I think a lot about how the family dynamics would change when the little angel arrives. Already, my husband complains how I spoil Kochunni – no not with toys but sheer hugging and cuddling every day. In my mind though this is the only time – in a few years he probably would want to walk away from it all. Then all I have would be memories and I want a treasure-trove of them. But back again to family, I know of many sisters, many brothers and many brothers and sisters – but I haven’t been part of that – that is not until a few weeks from now. In a few weeks time my only child will be first born, “dethroned” to accommodate the younger child. I wonder about his reactions from awe & curiosity to jealously and even anger. And what about the younger child? Would he complain that he never received the one-on-one attention or about the fact that he always be the baby of the family?

What about the dynamics of having two kids at home. We are already wrestling with the idea of daycare, school and other costs. I cannot even comprehend how the emotional and physical ride might be? I think I am mentally prepared to have the second baby, but feelings of doubt often do creep up. What especially worries me is when I hear stories about how much kids fight and don't get along with each other and when that flows into their adulthood. But even with a multitude of questions, one single thought emerges – family is an ever-growing constant. By birth or by choice the family grows and multiplies but it is still the one constant in most of our lives.

So I realize that all I can promise my little ones is to provide a “home” full of fights and fairness, laughter and sadness, ups and downs – a place where commitment to family and love will supersede other choices.

The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to. ~ Dodie Smith

Pregnancy so far ...

So after the scare a few months ago, pregnancy is going well currently (kala tikka). It is actually fun - I can feel the baby move around quite a bit and the kicks are quite a tickle. I often try to grab Kochunni’s hands when the baby is moving to let him feel the baby but so far haven’t been very successful; maybe a couple of times but I am not sure if Kochunni has really felt it, since the kicks are still so light. Sometimes I look at my ever growing tummy to see if I can see the little jabs but that hasn’t happened either. I am sure all in good time.

Best thing of all, I am already looking forward to my time off for maternity. Last time around this was a great time of bonding, sleeping, movies, books and my venture into the blog world. You can tell, I am glossing over the nightly feeds, diaper changes, the advent of colic around evening and many such not so pleasant memories. But by far the good times outweigh the troubles. I am sure I am would be singing a different tune post-baby, so writing this post to jot down my feelings today to remind me that everything is a phase.

I hope to enjoy the cuddles, the gurgles and one more ride into mommy-hood! Wish me luck!

The Amnio Test

The last post is something that I had mentally written almost a month ago but never got around to post it. First of course like many folks I waited for the crucial first trimester to tide over and then as I started to figure out a cool way to announce it the world but as I realized that it’s now or never, I had my 2nd trimester blood screen and it came back with some markers for down syndrome and that had me heart on red-alert.

It was dreadful - sleepless nights and days as a little hope rises from your heart the mind just crushes it down like someone swatting a bug.
The day I got the call from the doctor, I was actually driving back from work. I think I talked to her intelligently , just asking facts and figures. But when I hung up, the enormity of the finding hit me and I gave way for tears. I held myself as much as I could as I quickly could and picked up Kochunni from daycare. As I sat back in the car, I guess the little fella figured out something was amiss. Kochunni started to ask about why I was upset, but I would not answer. When we got home I literally ran to the bathroom and gave way to the tears. Minutes later, I told my parents who were obviously starting to worry with my strange behavior. Kochunni seemed to realize something was off and started to cry himself and kept asking why are your crying Amma. I had to help myself at that point and told him that I will not cry, but he knew that something was wrong with the baby. So I tried to just call it off as a little owie for the baby.

The doctor had suggested to do the Amniocentesis test – it’s a test where they take the fluids using a large needle from your amniotic sac and culture the cells to check if there are any chromosomal or genetic deficit. I knew it was an invasive procedure so I was leaning towards a level 2 ultrasound, which according to the doctor could only check for soft markers and could not be conclusive either way. Since it was right before the Thanksgiving holidays, I scheduled appointment for the Ultrasound the week after and tried to relax.

The internet always as omnipresent source I used it to read about the amnio test and what other folks discussed on discussion boards about it. It was a hard decision, and I wavered a lot from thinking 'Lets do it to No way'! But I was finally convinced on doing the Amnio because logically speaking this procedure provides answers with an almost 100% accuracy plus has little chance of complications. But even after the decision was made one doesn’t think logically or behave logically most of the time. So prayers and fears were part of my nights and days.

We met with the genetic counselor who talked about what I had already read and answered our questions patiently, and then we went for the ultrasound. I had assumed that even when we agree for the amnio it would be done on a later day, but the counselor told us they can do it both together. And so first the technician came in and did the ultrasound. My heart soared when I saw the little one, moving around in the tiny little space – super cute. The technician continued with many measurements and finally the doctor arrived for the procedure.

The procedure itself was not bad, they numbed the little section and watched the baby via ultrasound the whole time to ensure nothing was amiss. I was nervous and held Amma's hand throughout the whole thing looking away from the procedure and mentally thinking about good things and sending fervent prayers. It was over in a matter of minutes and the doctor joking asked me to make my husband work as I took rest for a day or two at least. I called my boss and I took rest of the day and the next day off from work. I took rest with Amma fussing over me. She even made me sleep with her just so that Kochunni doesn’t kick me or something at night. The next couple of days were easier as I was more worried about having a miscarriage that I did not think about the results, but as Monday dawned that thought could not be put further away. There seemed to be a unspoken truce within the family that none of us talked about it at home. The only person who used to ask "how the baby was doing" was Kochunni and I would tell him let’s just pray to the Guruvayoorappan to keep the baby safe and he religiously would mention it to Him after every bath.

Exactly a week later, the office called. My heart skipped a beat as I was driving to work and noticed a new number on my cell phone. I picked it up, and as the counselor told me the news that the baby is fine, no down syndrome, no spinal bifida it felt as if a weight had been lifted. I could not stop smiling as I told the lady that she just made my day. I quickly called home and passed the news to husband and my parents who were equally elated.

I did not share the news about the blood results or amnio to anyone early on – only two people apart from parents and my husband knew about it. One was my boss and second was my cousin who is a nurse by profession knew. Everyone who knew was indeed supportive and I am sure their prayers helped. But it’s not an easy thing to share even with best friends and extended family – I mean how do you even start a conversation around it? It is definitely much easier to share the joys and triumphs than our sorrows and fears. The other reason was the uncertainty – the blood results only provide a marker - a one in X chance that something could be wrong, and this seems like a burden one has to carry oneself.

Today as I write this post, I wonder if I am doing the right thing by putting it in black and white. The ordeal is behind us but the memory still fresh. Yesterday I met with the doctor and she smiled and chatted about how its considered an easy procedure – I have heard the refrain before, but the moments you go through it, you are alone, very alone. On the other hand, like my cousin said this parenting is never easy – it’s always one thing or another. But as the holidays approach, I trust there is a angel somewhere looking over all of us and I can relax and get back to worrying about what cutesy baby items I should buy.

Miracle of life

Part two

Climate can have an important affect on your feelings, there is no doubt about it. When it’s hot, really hot, you are tired but sleeping or lying down is not an option so its irritating. When it’s cold and rainy you would rather curl up in bed and lament about not being able to go outside. One interesting part of living out here in United States is our introduction to new climates like Fall. The change of colors in August, September on the leaves is so prominent that its usually makes up for the arrival of the chilly winters. But the best time is Spring – the onset of summer, the flowers blooming in vibrant colors, Holi (my all-time favorite festival) and so much more. Today I am looking forward to this wonderful time of year even more as we are expecting a little addition to our family. :D

Ok there I said it, nothing cool about it, you say – but after Upsi’s cute work of art, and months of trying to top it – I have realized I am just not that cool to even come close. There is another more personal reason for not going all out too actually, but that will be another post.

How is Kochunni dealing with the news? Well, he seems exited. Talks about baby being hungry, when he is hungry and when I eat, he tells me that the baby is happy and is thanking him. When I told him that the baby will call him “ettan” (elder brother), he was visibly upset since “Is that my name? Why would the baby call me that?” I had to explain that ettan is just a word like Amma (mom), but it took a while for him to accept.

Other household activities are going on as usual, but as I am feeling the little kicks, the excitement mounts. So folks, go take a break, have a drink and be merry!