A cathartic post

When one has a baby, the focus of attention from mommy to baby is swift and sudden. When before mom-to-be was often asked “How are you feeling, Hope you are getting some sleep! You look so beautiful” change to “OH he/she is so cute, so adorable” You can realize this best when your colleague has a baby and after the niceties you want to know when can you see pictures of the baby!

I remember when everyone wanted to see pictures of Kutie, but we did not get round to doing it because we were in the hospital for 2 weeks after my delivery. It was and still is one of the worst periods in my life.

After being a week late from my due date, I was induced on a Thursday night. That night my water broke and it looked like I was on my way to having a baby. We already knew that we might be having a large baby, but being a healthy tall girl myself, no one considered a C-section. By afternoon the next day I was in labor; I had an epidural so the pain was less and by late afternoon I was told I was enough dilated to start pushing. The doctor was a nice guy letting me really try for almost 4-5 hours, finally suggesting I consider a C-section, it was after all baby's health that mattered most he said. He advised that its not such a bad thing, you tried and now whats matters most is the little one's health (I was bleeding fuild from night before, so contamination with baby was a big concern).

After quite an ordeal for the doctors (baby's head was stuck around my pelvis, since I had pushed him out to level 2, so doctors could not pull him out from tummy side - I ended up having two slits - meaning my next baby (if ever) will have to be a c-section too!) Kutie was born around 10.30 PM. He was taken (with my honey) to the nursery, for bath and checking his weight(9 Lbs). I was still in bed being stitched up! I cried. I always had a vision of being able to hold my baby for the first time, right after birth – but that never materialized! I still cry …

After a while, I was taken to a small room, until the nurses are sure I am doing better. I met with my parents and I asked them if they had seen the baby yet. They said they got a glimpse. After what seemed like ages, I finally get to hold my baby. He was all wrapped up in white, a tiny bald fellow – slightly whimpering. The nurse suggested I try to feed him, though he kept going in and out of sleep.

Day Two:Daybreak
I was in my new room with my baby – all happy. Doctors and nurses checking up from time to time; friends and family to visit and the most important person in my arms – what more could you ask for!

Day Three: The sky looks beautiful
We were already planning ahead on our trip back home, I was still not quite comfortable with breastfeeding but I was doing much better. I had some good sleep in between and I was still elated with joy.
I can see grey clouds in the sky.
The nurse checked Kutie’s temperature – a little high. No worries I will come back and check!
A rain-drop.
The nurse shift changed, a new nurse checked his temperature again – still a little high. She left a message with the pediatrician. I pick him up, rock him to sleep. After a while he is sleeping blissfully.
It begins to drizzle.
The pediatrician arrives; he would like to keep Kutie under observation. He mentions that since the delivery was a long process he would like to run a couple of blood (culture) tests – that will take two days. My honey and I are unsure. The nurse comes back for a checkup – no fever. We look hopefully at the doctor – isn’t everything ok, now? No, for a child under 6 months, fever is considered at high risk. You could leave, but without doctors orders. We stay.

Day Four: It’s raining!
They take our baby to the little Nursery to be closely monitored and I am still in our room, the nurses send for us every couple of hours to feed him. He seems to be doing well. Next morning, the nurse mentions that results from the first blood culture are negative. We are elated! But we need to keep him there one more day since they need to test his blood after 48 hours as well to be certain. Its time for me to be discharged; but I don’t want to go home. I can’t.

Day Five: It’s pouring!
I am all exited; we will get to take Kutie home. I walk into the nursery where he is around 5 AM. The nurse has already fed him formula – she did not wake me up. I guess it ok … I need to rest. I come back to bed [a small mothers room next to the nursery – my honey is outside in the waiting room, sleeping on the floor] I come back at 6.30 and sit on the recliner next to my baby. There are 3 other babies all sound asleep. Its time for the next shift for the nurses. I ask the new girl – when will the tests come, today is our day to go home. She tells me he will not go home today!! I am surprised! WHY?

She explains – he had a D-SAT episode. Doctor will need to check on him. I am not sure what she means – never heard of a disease called D-SAT! My honey walks in. He looks tired. The nurse explains that it’s when oxygen level in ones blood stream goes low. This could result in cardiac arrest since the heart thinks oxygen is not needed, it just stops to pump. I am scared. She tells me this happened at night – Kutie had turned blue and the nurse had to revive him!! WHAT THE …!!!

A million questions surge through my brain – Why weren’t we informed? I was right next door. What does it mean – turning blue? What the heck caused a D-SAT? Will it occur again?

I look at Kutie, he smiles in his sleep!

When the doctor comes, I pose my questions. I get answers – not favorable ones that I want to hear. The blood tests are ok. But they need to monitor him. They are not sure what caused the episode. He needs to go without an episode for 48 hours before they can let him go. Two more days in this white nursery!

Day Five: It’s dark outside, it’s still pouring.
Tests, tests and more tests on a little 9 pound man. He screams, he yells. I cannot pick him up, my heart aches. We cry at our helplessness. We call every doctor, every friend we know. We try to get as much information as we can. But it does not help.

Our schedule is set. We sit near our baby – who covered in wires monitoring his heart – looking at the monitors. We have learned to read it – we know about the pulse, the oxygen. We can tell when it starts to dip. But no episode so far – dream a little dream. I talk to my mom, I cry on her shoulder – she helps me quite a bit. She is a strong woman. I love her even more. I feed him with all his wires. It’s not enough – my milk flow hasn’t happened yet. They weigh every diaper, be it poop or pee. They check his weight regularly. A slight decrease is not a good sign. The doctors add formula to his feeding.

Day Six – Its pitch dark!
He has another episode. We still don’t know the cause. His scans appear normal – though the lung seems to have something - a hole, or just mucus - they are not sure, just appears dark on the x-rays! They hear an extra murmur in the heart!

Another theory floats around - are his D-sat's due to acid reflux? He gets a tube through the nose to monitor, a 24 hours camera to see his reaction when a D-SAT occurs. It’s painful to see him; though he seems unaware. He still smiles in his sleep. My honey books a room in a hotel near the hospital, since I am not interested in staying away from the baby. I want someone to be with him all the time (even though there are 3 nurses in the nursery). They talk about us – they wonder why we are there for so long – they tell us to go home and rest one night. I can’t. We take shifts at night. My dad and honey, me and amma. Poo-amma(m-i-l) stays home, coxing us to eat, to remain healthy.

Days and nights have merged, we have lost count!

Day ... A ray of sunshine
We are used to the routine now. I don’t care when we will go home. Babies around have gone by, new babies have taken their place. I want to talk to other moms, listen to their pain, and tell them about mine. But I can’t. I fear anything and everything. I hold the baby close whenever I can. He gets a medicine for acid reflux – just trying our luck! He does not have an episode.

He goes for a MRI scan … the doctors say he was a good kid – he slept through it! I wanna scream – if he is so good, why are you keeping him?!?

We will see the results tomorrow. His second chest exam reveals nothing! His heart does not have a hole, chest is clearing up, his blood cultures are all negative! What the heck is going on?

Day … Daybreak
MRI scans reveals – a normal one week only baby. They have tested his heart, his brain, his blood – they can’t find anything! No cause? Was it a miracle? Are our prayers answered? YES! I know they have been.
The doctor is ready for us take our son home. It’s been a long two weeks. We still have to use an in-home monitor as a precaution for some days- but it should be ok they say.

Sunny skies and light showers
We bring Kutie home today! We are all happy. We are all nervous. Now that we are home what does it mean. What if the monitor catches another episode? We have learned CPR at the hospital, but will it help? What if the monitor does not catch anything (since we put the plugs, we might not do it right)? We vote for sleepless nights again.

Dad stays awake till 2 AM, Amma stays awake from 2 onwards. I wake up every two hours to feed Kutie.

My honey’s 2 week paternity leave is over, he is back at work. Poor honey! His holiday – time of rest, time to be with baby – was completely over in a blink of an eye – at the hospital!

I don’t know how long we can continue this … we take Kutie to the pediatrician. She checks his heart – she can barely hear the murmur. She wants to keep the monitor through the weekend and then stop using it. She is confident that everything will be ok.

JOY! Pure Joy surges through my heart.

It’s now 9 months past the event, Kutie is doing great. Even today, when he sleeps he smiles a little. I often remember the nights at the hospital – I touch his chest and give him a kiss, & send a prayer before falling asleep.

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